The Usos (Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso) def. Daniel Bryan & Rowan, on the Money in the Bank Kickoff Show
Bayley def. Naomi, Carmella, Nikki Cross, Mandy Rose, Ember Moon, Dana Brooke, & Natalya in the Women’s Money in the Bank Ladder match
Most of the women all go after each other immediately, with only Ember Moon going for a ladder at first and Nikki Cross trapping Carmella and Dana Brooke in the ring apron for a joint beatdown. Nikki then uses the ladder as a tornado weapon of some sort (you know what I mean), before Dana gets her revenge by hitting a dropkick right to Nikki’s ladder. Then it’s a game of ladder tug of war between Dana and Ember, with Ember pushing the ladder (and Dana) into the corner. Nikki then jumps on Ember’s back, so Ember decides to go back first into the ladder. And then to make things even worse for poor underdog Dana, Mandy Rose hits her with corner knee too—still behind that corner ladder—before Carmella simply tosses Mandy to the outside.
Then it’s Natalya vs. Carmella, and Natalya slingshots Carmella into a ladder, only to try to do the same to Naomi. Of course, Naomi deflects with her athleticism and hits Natalya with a Disaster Kick in retaliation. Then it’s Naomi vs. Mandy, and you know there’s no love lost between those two. Mandy gets the advantage with her power, but then Bayley gets her out of the ring with a ladder. And then Ember and Bayley are fighting over the ladder, which allows Dana Brooke to start climbing up it… even though it’s standing upright, not actually set up. Carmella disposes of all three women, but then when she’s confronted by Mandy, something must be wrong, and she pushes Mandy off (and Ember forearms the crap out of Mandy) to go get medical attention. Then the rest of the women use two ladders to try to get Naomi down and out, but she avoids the onslaught with her impressive athleticism. For a time.
Meanwhile, a limping Carmella has to go to the back, with referee guidance, and it seems she will not be a three-time Ms. Money in the Bank.
Dana Brooke soon shows off her skills against Ember Moon, and the WWE Universe chants “DANA,” right before she tries to have a strike off against Bayley. Now, Dana, girl, you’re good—but you’re not going to win strike-off against Bayley. And Bayley ultimately sunset flips Dana into a corner ladder, before deciding to go for the briefcase. But Mandy and Natalya then work together to sandwich Bayley within the ladder, multiple times, before Naomi hits a ladder prone Bayley with a split-legged moonsault. It looks like Naomi still might get up the ladder, but Ember stops her, and then Ember has to stop Nikki.
Dana considers climbing, but instead, she pushes the ladder into Nikki. Now is her chance… and Mandy takes it away from her. Holy crap, Dana is suspended in the air, holding onto the briefcase! But Mandy brings her back to the ladder, and Bayley pulls Mandy down. Dana continues to reach, but as Bayley and Naomi try to stop her, Nikki runs up the ladder and over Bayley. Natalya pushes the ladder down and looks to have the advantage… until she gets Eclipse’d by Ember. (Cue the “HOLY SHIT” chant.)
Mandy hits her finisher on Ember on a ladder, and now it could be her time. But out limps Carmella, and she wants revenge on Mandy. And she gets it, but she has to limp to the ring and up the ladder to three-peat like she wants to. And then out comes Sonya Deville to beat up Carmella, defend Mandy’s honor, and help her best friend climb up the ladder. She seriously puts a lifeless Mandy on top of her shoulders and climbs up the ladder. She pushes her up to the briefcase, and finally, Mandy wakes… but up comes Bayley to send them both crashing down and become Ms. Money in the Bank!
Over in the McMahon family office, Sami Zayn interrupts Triple H to address the Braun Strowman situation. Specifically, the situation where Strowman wants to destroy Zayn for taking his spot in the Men’s Money in the Bank ladder match. So Strowman can’t focus on the match because of that, and he believes he also speaks for Drew McIntyre and Baron Corbin when he says this. But according to Triple H, Strowman, isn’t even here tonight and has been “banned from the building.” Remember that for the next backstage segment, because apparently everything is “Wild Card Rules” now.
Zayn still tells Triple H he wants some sort of “protection,” to which Triple H gives him the snarky advice to tape up his fists. Great leadership, Hunter.
Rey Mysterio def. Samoa Joe (c), for the United States Championship
Dominick Mysterio (I believe that is his legal name) watches his father take on Samoa Joe from the back. One can only hope he doesn’t come out and do something stupid during the match.
And he doesn’t, despite Chekhov’s Dominick constantly making it seem like he will.
Instead, Rey Mysterio attempts to bring the fight to Joe to start things off, but Joe decides to kick Mysterio’s leg out of his leg. A solid strategy, especially considering Mysterio’s past issues with his knees, but Mysterio is still fueled by the humiliation he felt during his quick match against (and loss to) Joe at WrestleMania 35. To the point that he even ends up breaking Joe’s nose during a senton. A bleeding Joe tries to powerbomb Mysterio, but Mysterio turns that attempt into a hurricanrana and then a pinning combination… and it’s over.
On the replay, it’s very clear that Joe’s left shoulder was completely up before the referee even got to 2, but the referee didn’t see it at all, so the decision stands and Rey Mysterio is your new United States Champion.
After the match, Dominick comes out to celebrate with his dad, but once they both make their way up to the ramp, an irate Joe charges back at Mysterio. He then throws him back in the ring and destroys him with a uranage, as Dominick watches on and officials beg Joe to stop. But Joe only stops after he hits Mysterio with a senton of his own.
So, Mr. “Banned From The Building” is clearly backstage, looking for Sami Zayn and destroying everything that gets in his path. There’s not even a part of this where he has to get through security; clearly, someone didn’t get the message he was banned. (Security didn’t get the message, Strowman didn’t get the message…)
Shane McMahon def. The Miz, in a Steel Cage match
Once the match starts, Shane immediately tries to escape from the top of the cage. However, Miz repeatedly stop him, because he wants a fight. But because Miz is working off emotion, that allows Shane to find an opening to capitalize and inflict punishment on him, eventually trapping Miz between the ropes and the cage while he does so. Shane is then eventually able to hit the Coast to Coast… but Miz catches his legs mid-air and traps him in the figure-four leglock.
Shane escapes the submission, but now his strategy is to keep trying to exit out of the cage’s front door. Miz constantly pulls him back in though, and the final time Miz pulls him back in, Shane brings a chair in with him. However, when Shane tries to use the chair, Miz kicks it out of his hand. Both men end up down in the process, but when they come to, they clearly also both want the chair. The Miz wins that race to the chair, and as a result, Shane attempts to apologize to him. When that fails, Shane scurries on his knees to the door; but Miz gets him again, and he finally starts punishing Shane with that chair. Again. And again. And again. Ultimately, this leads to Miz hitting Shane with a Skull Crushing Finale on the chair… but Shane gets his leg on the rope, and the referee breaks the count. The WWE Universe chants “BULLSHIT” to this, and funnily enough, commentary (well, Michael Cole and Renee Young) actually agrees. But actually, there is a precedent for a rope break during a pin in cage matches.
Miz then attempts a super Skull Crushing Finale from the top rope, but Shane reverses it and decides to climb the cage again. But Miz gets up, hits Shane in the leg with that damn chair, climbs up himself, and gets Shane back down to the mat. Miz hits a frog splash, but only another 2-count. Then Shane puts him in what commentary says is a triangle. Miz doesn’t tap, so Shane tries to run out of the ring again… and nope. Miz slingshots Shane into the cage, which only allows him to climb up again. This time, Miz looks to hit Shane with a superplex off the top of the cage—shades of WrestleMania 35—but Shane wins again because Miz ends up removing his shirt. Yup. A shirtless Shane McMahon survives this match.
Backstage, Triple H and WWE officials find an unconscious Sami Zayn strung up. Is this Braun Strowman’s handiwork? Honestly, I don’t buy it. It seems more like something Zayn and Kevin Owens would do to frame Strowman.
Tony Nese (c) def. Ariya Daivari, for the Cruiserweight Championship
No offense, champ, but Ariya Daivari comes out to the ring second and driving a Mercedes-Benz. Can you say “Ariya Del Rio”?
Del Rio… er… Daivari immediately starts the ground and pound on Tony Nese, but Nese has his athleticism on his side. However, Daivari’s got an old school mentality, so he literally grinds Nese’s eyes across the top rope, restricting his vision. This takes away Nese’s vision, which of course takes away his accuracy.
Daivari attempts to keep Nese grounded and the pace of the match slow, but eventually, Nese’s vision comes back. With that, he’s able to quicken the pace and get the advantage back. So Daivari tries to get Nese to slow back down by yanking on his beard and even returning to obstructing Nese’s eyesight. Nese continues to fight back though, even as Daivari pulls out all the stops. Nese hits Daivari with a Fosbury Flop to outside, lands on his feet, and then hits Daivari with a 450 right back on the inside. But that still only gets a 2-count.
Nese then goes for the Running Nese, but Daivari gets up at the last second and hits a superkick. He then hits the Persian Lion Splash and follows it up with hammerlock into a hellacious lariat, but somehow, Nese kicks out at 2.9. After that, it’s over: Nese hits a top-rope residing Daivari with an open palm strike, a hurricanrana, the Running Nese, and then the 3-count to retain.
Backstage, Triple H confronts Braun Strowman about what he allegedly did to Sami Zayn. However, Strowman denies attacking Zayn. In fact, he seems to have no idea what Triple H is talking about. Yeah, he definitely didn’t do it. And he keeps denying it, but Triple H doesn’t believe him. Instead, Triple H respectfully asks Strowman to leave on his own accord, not banning him from the venue or ringside. (It still doesn’t seem like he was banned in the first place but alright.)
Becky Lynch (c) def. Lacey Evans, for the RAW Women’s Championship
In perhaps the best bit of decision-making she’s made since she started coming for “The Man,” Lacey Evans comes out in gear the shade of money green… along with two money guns that shoot out what I can only assume are Lacey Bucks. Or should I say Lady Bucks? (Not to be confused with the 1992 feature film Ladybugs. Also, I can’t believe I just knew from memory that Ladybugs came out in 1992.) Either way, Okada is shook.
Once the match begins, Lacey Evans covers her ears at the “BECKY 2 BELTS” chants that start things off. But Becky Lynch isn’t worried about the disrespect, as she’s instantly ready to teach “The Lady” what it means to be “The Man.”
Instead of taking her lesson like a man (the analogies are getting confusing, okay?), Lacey retreats to the outside. Becky follows her though and even tosses her into the barricade before Lacey tries (and fails) to hop over to escape into the crowd. However, once things get back into the ring, it’s clear that maybe Lacey has been doing her homework on “The Man,” as she’s then able to change things up and gain an advantage by weakening Becky’s left arm (to prevent future Dis-Arm-Her attempts).
But as we all know, Lacey loves to talk trash and showboat, and eventually, that really gets to Becky, firing her up enough to fight back. Becky soon has Lacey right where she wants her—in the aforementioned Dis-Arm-Her—but Lacey gets to the ropes. At that point, Becky argues a bit with the referee, which gives Lacey the opportunity to chop block her and then roll her up… but the official doesn’t think Becky’s shoulders are down and doesn’t count at all. (This is not a great night for WWE referees, y’all.) Then Becky reverses into a Dis-Arm-Her, and Lacey taps the heck out.
Post-match, Becky is ready to go to the back to rest up for her second title defense of the night… but out comes Charlotte Flair, so here we go. (Becky is surprised, because I guess the McMahons—well, Triple H—didn’t tell her the match card order. This is not a great night for Triple H’s leadership either.)
Charlotte Flair def. Becky Lynch (c), for the SmackDown Women’s Championship
Unsurprisingly, Charlotte is ecstatic to have this match right now, and she can already see herself as a nine-time Women’s Champion. Especially as Becky is limping from that chop block just moments ago, while Charlotte is 110% right now. However, “Becky Two Belts” still has a lot of fight in her. A lot. Charlotte hits Becky with some vicious chops and Becky tries to fight back with kicks, but during a dropkick attempt, Charlotte is able to get Becky into a Boston Crab. Becky is fortunate enough to get to the ropes though, and once she’s back up, she and Charlotte throw dueling forearms. That is until Charlotte gets frustrated and just takes out Becky’s knee, the easiest possible target.
Charlotte then slaps Becky in the face (out of disrespect) and tries hit the big boot, but Becky avoids it and hits the flying forearm instead. Now it’s back to dueling forearms before Becky tries to lock in the Dis-Arm-Her; only, this time, Charlotte knocks Becky down with another forearm, this time into the ropes. Charlotte then uses the ropes to her advantage to choke Becky out, but once she tries to hit Natural Selection on the apron, Becky holds onto the ropes herself and Charlotte ends up crashing and burning on the outside. The referee starts to count Charlotte out, and while he’s focused on Charlotte, Lacey runs back out to deliver a Woman’s Right to Becky. After that, Charlotte comes back into the ring to capitalize but ends up getting rolled-up by Becky. That only gets Becky a 2 though. Then Charlotte hits the big boot on Becky, for the win and also for the ninth reign.
Post-match, Charlotte mocks Becky, asking her if she’s going cry. Instead, Becky goes to beat the crap out of Lacey, as crying is the last thing on her mind. But then Charlotte goes to help Lacey, with the two of them ultimately double teaming Becky inside the ring, only for the crowd to chant “WE WANT BAYLEY.”
So, ask and you shall receive. Bayley comes out and is able to get rid of Lacey, but Charlotte cheapshots her, returning to Becky before taking her newly-won title. But Charlotte hasn’t second thoughts and decides she isn’t done, so she charges at Bayley. However, Bayley sidesteps and Charlotte crashes into the post.
And guess what? BAYLEY’S DOING IT.
Bayley def. Charlotte Flair (c), for the SmackDown Women’s Championship
Charlotte has not moved since Bayley sidestepped her, and Bayley hits the top rope elbow drop. NEW CHAMP! CHARLOTTE NO BELTS! (Corey Graves brings up that Charlotte never got up to her feet, but sorry, they changed that rule on cash-ins ages ago.)
Roman Reigns def. Elias
…calmly and with no entrance music. But he does have a stool and a guitar waiting for him in the ring. An electric guitar. Bob Dylan, who? Elias reminds the live audience that he is the hottest acquisition in SmackDown history, and he lets them know that the era of “The Big Dog” is now over. Because it’s Elias’ era. Dude, you only hit him with a guitar, you didn’t throw him into the ocean.
As it Elias’ way, he also shits on the crowd before he decides to leave the venue altogether. Seriously, Elias really thinks he’s gotten rid of Roman. So he gets to the top of the ramp, and then Roman’s music hits—and then Roman hits Elias. He hits him all the way back into the ring and the bell rings, with one spear doing the trick.
Seth Rollins (c) def. AJ Styles, for the Universal Championship
Well, at least neither of these men can get cashed in on…
The WWE Universe truly is split on this one, if the dueling chants of “AJ STYLES”/“LET’S GO ROLLINS” are any indication. Neither man does anything too big to start, as they clearly want to avoid making a mistake in the early goings of the match. But it looks like a patented AJ Styles dropkick gives him the advantage soon enough… until Seth Rollins fights back. These men want to prove who the undisputed best in WWE (and on RAW) is, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to prove it.
For example, Styles almost hits Rollins with a Styles Clash off the apron, but Rollins escapes, only to eat a sliding knee instead. But Rollins hit Styles with a suicide dive after that, right into the announce table. Both men get back into the ring at the same time during a near count-out, but Rollins then soon hits Styles with another suicide dive. This entire match is just the definition of violent athleticism if that is even a thing. Rollins’ attempt for the Revolution Knee, gets deflected Ushigoroshi from Styles. A Styles Clash attempt is reversed by Rollins into a roll-up attempt, and then both men try to roll the other up. Rollins channels his power into hitting Styles with a buckle bomb and then a frog splash, only to get a 2-count.
The crowd is definitely feeling this match. Rollins tries to hit Styles with a superplex, but Styles deflects and catches him face first into the turnbuckle. Styles then kicks Rollins’ attempt at a forearm, then puts Rollins into a torture rack (that turns into a rack bomb). Only a 2-count though. And now Styles is definitely frustrated. He goes for a Phenomenal Forearm, but nope—Rollins grabs Styles’ legs to make him fall, then hits him with an inverted superplex/Falcon Arrow combination. Still only 2. So what’s next? The crowd wants Rollins to “BURN IT DOWN.” But Styles avoids the stomp and turns it into a Calf Crusher. Will Rollins tap? He tries to get to the rope, so Styles tries to readjust, only for Rollins to kick him away. Both men are able to get up, but the damage has been done. Styles then goes with a last gasp reverse DDT, only to get a 2-count.
Finally, both men meet face to face, strike for strike, and the crowd is still 50/50. Eventually, Styles makes the big mistake, missing the Pele Kick, eating a low superkick, and a stom— No, Styles reverses the stomp into the Styles Clash! Somehow, only a 2-count. Styles can’t believe it. No one can, but: “THIS IS AWESOME” Another Phenomenal Forearm attempt but Rollins catches Styles, hits the Revolution Knee, the low superkick, and the stomp. Rollins is then slow to cover, but he gets the 3-count and retains.
Styles leaves Rollins alone in the ring to celebrate, only to come back moments later… For what? To fight? To show respect. He puts his hand out to shake, and Seth Rollins hesitates. But AJ says, “You know this is hard for me.” (Anyone who watches UpUpDownDown knows this.) So Rollins does do it. No funny business.
Backstage, Charly Caruso interviews Kofi Kingston (with Xavier Woods) about Kevin Owens’ comments about him—about not being a deserving champion—back in the Kickoff Show. You know, classic downer Charles questions.
Lucha House Party (Gran Metalik, Lince Dorado, & Kalisto) vs. ??? went to a No Contest (???)
Well, um, this match wasn’t announced. The Lucha House Party come out first—supposedly for a six-man tag team match—and they’ve got something to say. (It’s not important—they just compare Money in the Bank to Christmas for some reason.) Then out comes Lars Sullivan, who definitely is not in this six-man tag team match. He comes out to destroy them, ends up bleeding from the head somehow, and the crowd goes mild.
Kofi Kingston (c) def. Kevin Owens, for the WWE Championship
As expected, Kofi Kingston brings the fight to Kevin Owens… while Owens does his best to walk outside the ring and stay out of the fight. In fact, after running his mouth all this time, Owens spends the early goings of this match getting his ass handed to him by Kofi. But an opening for a superkick puts Owens in control, and of course he gloats.
Owens just keeps running his mouth as he decimates Kofi. But he finally fails when he tries to slingshot Kofi into the corner, forgetting that launching Kofi into the air only makes him stronger. Kofi then turns a powerbomb attempt into tossing Owens into the corner, but a Boom Drop attempt turns into Owens putting him in a Boston Crab (or a Walls of Jericho, meaning that Kofi just made the list). Kofi gets to the ropes eventually, so Owens tries to powerbomb him on the apron, only for Kofi to reverse that and hit Owens with the double stomp on apron.
But then Kofi tries to hit the trust fall to the outside, which ends up with him eating a superkick from Owens. After that, Owens tries to cover Kofi back in the ring, which only gets him in a 2. “You should’ve stayed down,” Owens screams, and then he attempts a pop-up powerbomb, only for Kofi to leapfrog over him and attempt an S.O.S. But the S.O.S. doesn’t hit, and Owens goes for a stunner… which also doesn’t hit, but Kofi’s next attempt at an S.O.S. does. And it’s still only a 2.
A Trouble in Paradise attempt leads to another Boston Crab, but Kofi powers to the bottom rope. Kofi then reverses a superkick attempt and hits Owens with elbows to the back of the neck, only for Owens to get angrier and soon hit him with a pop-up powerbomb into a sit-out powerbomb. That’s also only 2. Now Owens is frustrated, telling the WWE Universe to “STOP CLAPPING.” Owens’ stunner attempt gets blocked by Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise, which sends him out of the ring. Kofi then has to bring Owens back in, only to eat a stunner and avoid defeat by grabbing the ropes during the count.
Now, for some reason, Owens removes Kofi’s boots. Seriously, no idea. But after he does that—and presumably throws them at Byron Saxton—he goes for a Swanton Bomb. Kofi gets his knees up though and then hits Owens with a Trouble in Paradise (without shoes!) for the win. A win that Xavier Woods comes out to celebrate with his boy.
Brock Lesnar def. Baron Corbin, Finn Balor, Ricochet, Andrade, Ali, Drew McIntyre, & Randy Orton in the Men’s Money in the Bank Ladder match
So it looks like there will be no replacement for Sami Zayn in this match. (I also just realized I assumed Bobby Lashley was in this match but apparently not.)
As all of the men, of course, brawl to start the match, there’s an early team-up between Finn Balor and Ricochet against Baron Corbin. But Balor almost immediately ends up suffering the same fate as Ali does early on, which is Randy Orton tossing him onto the announce table like he’s nothing. And Ricochet eventually makes three. After that, Orton takes an opportunity to climb the ladder, but Andrade springboard kicks him off of it.
Corbin and Drew McIntyre then get back in the ring, and they both have ladders, but the question is: How long will they work together until it truly becomes every man for himself?
Look, this match is fast and furious, so I’m done pretending I can even keep up with half of the stuff that happens here. But one thing I do know is that Ali and Ricochet end up pulling each other off the ladder, back and forth, basically giving everyone else time to recharge. You know, these two would probably be friends in other circumstances. Speaking of friends, Corbin and McIntyre make sure to ruin everything Ali and Ricochet.
Meanwhile, Randy’s strategy is to stick with what works, so it’s a “Vintage Orton” on Corbin before he tries RKO him… and ends up eating a Claymore from McIntyre. Corbin and McIntyre then have to deal with Balor, who’s actually the harder task, as he’s taken them both down many times before and is pretty much able to do so here again. After this, it looks like it will be Finn’s moment to capitalize, but Andrade stops him once he gets onto the ladder. How? With an insane sunset flip to Balor from that ladder to a lower ladder. The crowd is right to chant “YOWIE WOWIE” after that.
But it’s Ali’s Spanish Fly to Andrade from off of a ladder that makes Michael Cole question all of these men’s sanity. McIntyre then up ladder bridging the ring and the announce table—in what I can assume is an attempt to murder Ali—but Ali superkicks McIntyre… so Corbin murders Ali through Spanish announce table instead. (The crowd chants “YOU STILL SUCK” after that, because while it looks cool, Corbin still sucks.) Corbin moves on to destroy Balor, then Ricochet next, and finally, McIntyre strikes, with a Claymore to his buddy. McIntyre then decides to destroy a climbing Balor by crashing him right onto a ladder, before slamming Andrade onto Finn (again, still onto a ladder).
McIntyre is about to set up a ladder to climb when Ricochet flies in to take him down. Unfortunately for Ricochet, that only makes the psychopath mad, McIntyre gets his revenge by throwing Ricochet through (yes, through) the ladder bridge he’d set up earlier. McIntyre finally starts climbing, only for Orton to pull him down and into RKO. Then Corbin gets rid of Orton and climbs, only for Ali to climb over Corbin and then dump him over the top rope. Ali climbs back up the ladder, and he’s going to get it, he’s going to win the contract…
BUT THEN BROCK LESNAR’S MUSIC PLAYS. Lesnar runs out to the ring, knocks Ali off the ladder, and climbs up himself to win. So, uh, I guess this means that Lesnar was the one who attacked Sami Zayn. And I guess this also means Money in the Bank matches don’t even need qualifying matches, because anyone can just run in. (Zelina Vega, where the hell were you?)
Anyway, what’s this all about?
You can watch Money in the Bank 2019 in its entirety on the WWE Network.